Sunday, March 24, 2013

Rules I Never Thought I'd Have to Make

1. You're not allowed to put your cow to bed in Evelyn's crib while she's asleep.

2. Do not pull the baking soda out of the cupboard to "clean" the carpets with the entire box.

3. You are not allowed to hit Henry with a butterfly net. Or your blanket. Or Thomas. Or that basket.

4. You are not to steal the phones from the purses of my childless friends and take pictures of mommy nursing the baby. If this happens, there will be no future children for you to play with.

5. If you wipe that spilled baking soda on (my friend) one more time, I will clean. it. up. Take THAT!

6. DO NOT talk about mommy's boobs, your penis or nipples in public. In fact, don't talk in public at all.

7. You are not allowed to "wash the dishes" unless I give you permission.

8. If I hear the microwave go on ONE MORE TIME when I'm nursing the baby and putting her down, I will sell you.

9. Never, ever, ever wipe your own butt after you poop. Lord help us all.

10. Once a piece of food is in the dog's bowl, you are no longer allowed to eat it.

11. No, you may not poop on the back lawn.

12. No, I do not want you to pour your pool water into my coffee. Why would you even ask?

13. Speaking of water: Do not start the bath by yourself, do not enter the bath headfirst, do not turn on ANY of the sinks unless I say it's okay, I don't care if you can - do not turn on the hose, stop pouring water on your electronic toys, don't drink the paint water, don't squirt Henry or me or Evelyn or anything with water, stop sticking your fingers in Henry's water bowl only to lick them off and DO NOT turn the temperature dial in the shower while mommy is in there.

14.  Get that orange crayon out of your nose.

15. Don't spit at people we don't know.

16. Don't spit at people we DO know.

17. Stop reorganizing the apps on my phone into folders.

18. No, you may not eat the succulents.

19. Stop feeding Henry your yogurt, under the table, with a spoon.

20. Do not stand in the window naked. The neighbors will judge. be continued...


Stacey Werly said...

Rules my sister has for my nephew:
1. Don't pee on your chocolate.
2. Definately don't eat the chocolate you pee on.
3.Don't pee on you clothes.

Trinity and the brood said...

This is frickin HIL. arious. seriously. I would read your crazy mommy blog (or book) any day, all day.

Kathryn said...

And I can so SEE Nathan doing all of this! He's way to smart to be left unattended.

See what happens when brilliant women reproduce? Lucky for us, you still have your sense of humor- also brilliant, I might add.