Wednesday, August 24, 2011

God Exists

I usually reserve serious topics for my journal. It's so much more fun to read things that make you laugh, but I'm going to deviate today. Feel free to skip.

After all that I wrote the other day and all the precious prayers loved ones offered for our tiny baby, we lost the fight. I went in to the doctor's office yesterday and there was no heartbeat. Silence has never been so painful.

I was thinking about it all last night - specifically why we didn't lose the baby right away - why we had to go through weeks of hoping and desperate prayer, all to have the same devastating result. But I've decided if we had to lose our baby, I'd rather it be like this. This child was so loved and so well fought for. Many people were praying and hoping. What better legacy could there be for a life, than to be loved hard and fought for desperately? What a beautiful way to leave and enter the arms of Peace.

We named the baby Jesse. It's suitable for a boy or a girl and it means "God exists" or "Gift". Jesse is a gift. A precious blessing we won't meet for a long time, but probably the only child we will have that will never know pain or suffering. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change..." No pain - only heavenly light.

And God exists. Even in this. Especially in this. When nothing else makes sense and I doubt everything, I can rely on two solid truths: God is big and He is good. Always big. Always good. And that is more than enough for me. I feel the pain. I am heartbroken. I feel so empty where I used to have a life inside. I long for my baby. I ache to tell Jesse how much Jon and I love him or her. But the only one who understands is Big enough to hold me and good enough to cry with me. And He's holding our gift, better and stronger and with more love than I could ever provide. Our baby is safe. With a God who is real.

Thank you, friends, for your prayers for us in these last weeks. God has been gracious to us. He has provided everything we need, often through you. Your support means more than you know and your love is remarkable.

"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord who has compassion on you"
Isaiah 54:10

Monday, August 22, 2011

When it Rains...

My friend Mari has this phrase that she says and Jon and I say it all the time (I bet you didn't know that, did you, Mari?). When someone is ridiculous or something is stupid, she'll go, "Really? Really?!" The first 'really' sounds innocent and questioning and the second is dripping with sarcasm and half an octave lower. Ever since I experienced it in Pensacola, I have not found a phrase that more adequately fits my reaction to certain scenarios. Which is why I say it all the time.

Well, never has it been more appropriate. Please, pull up a chair and laugh with me at my past 4 weeks, shall we? You know how 'they' say when your husband deploys, everything will go wrong? Keep that in mind. You know how 'they' also say, "Go big or go home"? I'd rather go home, thank you very much.

Right before Jon leaves, I am finishing up a biostatistics class that I've been stressing about for a while. Right after he leaves I have the final exam. Right before he leaves we find out I'm pregnant (Exciting? yes. Planned? no. Overwhelmed? You bet your lily white!) Jon is due to make it back a month before the birth. That's nice of the Navy.

Right after Jon leaves, I start to hemorrhage. I never spell that word correctly. I always have to spell check it after three tries or so. But I go to the ER on Sunday, the nurse's office Tuesday, back to the ER again on Wednesday (more bleeding) and finally Wednesday afternoon, after two ER docs can neither confirm nor deny that the baby is okay, my OB spots a heartbeat. Relief floods. Then he tells me, the heartbeat is a little weak and let's just hold our breath, shall we? The following Tuesday (last Tuesday to be precise), I go back and the baby is doing great - growing and has a nice healthy heart beat. Oh but wait - there's pooled blood in my uterus. Up to the big ultrasound techs I go. Talk to the doc. Let's hope it absorbs.

Meanwhile, my momma flies out (GOD bless her!) because I was on home rest. What? Yes. that's bed rest without the bed. I think. No walks for Henry. No vacuuming. No anything that makes me feel useful. My mom and Mother in Law trade places taking care of Nathan and the laundry and the kitchen (etc) while I sit on my butt, going nuts because I hate having other people clean my house. But it's worth it.

I go back in tomorrow for more doc talk and my dad will fly out to help and will fly me and Nate back to VA for a month for some weddings and birthdays and lots of Potbellies.

Meanwhile, Henry has been getting into the trash and being kind of bad all of the sudden and Nate refuses to eat carbs or veggies or protein (that leaves fruit)... probably all because Jon is gone.

So TODAY, the friend that was going to stay and house sit and watch Henry had to back out... a week before we leave. That was fun. God provided, though, and I got another friend (I LOVE YOU REBEKAH CARTER!) to live here and take care of him. I have to give credit where it's due. God freakin' worked that one.

So when they say, "when your husband deploys, everything goes wrong", "They" have much wisdom.

But I hate them.

For being right.

I just want to turn to the universe and say, "Really? Really?!"

Saturday, August 6, 2011

It's Just That With Jon Being Gone, Nothing Funny Happens

But here are some smile-worthy things. Old pictures that I was looking through (I'm printing some to frame... we have not one framed picture of our son in our entire house... yikes).

Note the name of the beer is "Loose Cannon". How appropriate.

Uncle Andy
Poor tortured kid.