I usually reserve serious topics for my journal. It's so much more fun to read things that make you laugh, but I'm going to deviate today. Feel free to skip.
After all that I wrote the other day and all the precious prayers loved ones offered for our tiny baby, we lost the fight. I went in to the doctor's office yesterday and there was no heartbeat. Silence has never been so painful.
I was thinking about it all last night - specifically why we didn't lose the baby right away - why we had to go through weeks of hoping and desperate prayer, all to have the same devastating result. But I've decided if we had to lose our baby, I'd rather it be like this. This child was so loved and so well fought for. Many people were praying and hoping. What better legacy could there be for a life, than to be loved hard and fought for desperately? What a beautiful way to leave and enter the arms of Peace.
We named the baby Jesse. It's suitable for a boy or a girl and it means "God exists" or "Gift". Jesse is a gift. A precious blessing we won't meet for a long time, but probably the only child we will have that will never know pain or suffering. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change..." No pain - only heavenly light.
And God exists. Even in this. Especially in this. When nothing else makes sense and I doubt everything, I can rely on two solid truths: God is big and He is good. Always big. Always good. And that is more than enough for me. I feel the pain. I am heartbroken. I feel so empty where I used to have a life inside. I long for my baby. I ache to tell Jesse how much Jon and I love him or her. But the only one who understands is Big enough to hold me and good enough to cry with me. And He's holding our gift, better and stronger and with more love than I could ever provide. Our baby is safe. With a God who is real.
Thank you, friends, for your prayers for us in these last weeks. God has been gracious to us. He has provided everything we need, often through you. Your support means more than you know and your love is remarkable.
"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord who has compassion on you"