Ironic Impossibility... or Impossible Irony

You're looking forward to reading this one, aren't you?

You can always count on me for these sorts of things.
Fact: I am mostly always late
Hypothesis: There's nothing I can do about it.

Proof: Today as I was getting ready to leave for Bible study, on time, I mentally patted myself on the back. I was so on time. I was so on top of things. I had made my husband a fancy shmancy breakfast AND I was going to get to Bible study on time. I smiled as I grabbed my purse and reached for the recycling to take it out as I left.
It was really the beer bottle's fault. The cans and the newspaper wouldn't have done it, but the beer bottle had it out for me. It refused to be held when I picked it up and jumped out of my hand. No matter that I tried to catch it. It was determined to ruin things. The universe must have told it I was on time. It fell, crashed and shattered across the known world. Not only across the ENTIRE kitchen (ask Jon. I exaggerate not), but into the living room (carpet!!) and down the hall. It was impressive. I have to give the bottle credit for quick thinking and massive spreading potential. I knew as soon as it landed that I would be calling Brittany to tell her I was going to be late. But that wasn't really enough. The universe and the bottle (now blissfully shattered across the entire San Diego east side) must have been quite good friends, because as I was picking up large pieces (the poor Husband was getting a broom) my hand slipped and I slashed my finger right down the middle.
I stared gaping at my finger. It gaped back. Then, angrily, turned on the faucets and started spouting blood at me, at the floor and most especially at the broken glass. Cotton balls, water, bandaids and Neosporin. Brooms, paper bags and dust busters. Frantic wife, patient husband, confused dog (who got thrown in the back yard without a second glance).

I was not on time.

And now, I ask you: Is it humanly possible to be on time? Yes. Is it humanly possible for ME to be on time? No. Sadly when I'm on time I only get injured. So please tell me to be there 15 minutes before you want me. It's safer.